Tears, Fears, and Joy: A New Way to Navigate Dementia with Love

Dementia is often framed as an all-consuming loss.

But what if there’s another way to live inside it?

In this episode of ComForConnections, dementia advocate Lori La Bey shares how 30 years of personal caregiving shaped a mission to uplift others on the same path. Her framework, Tears, Fears, and Joy, helps caregivers move beyond survival mode, make space for meaning, and rediscover the connection that’s still possible.

The Tears: Grieving What’s Changing, Honoring What You Love

Early-stage dementia care can be full of subtle, heartbreaking moments – ones that families often absorb without even realizing they’re grieving. A loved one repeats the same story three times over dinner. The holiday shopping trip you’ve taken together for years suddenly feels unfamiliar. A once-effortless recipe ends in confusion. These small shifts carry a quiet weight.

Lori La Bey names this for what it is: grief.

But she doesn’t stop there. She reframes it as something rooted in deep, enduring love: “How lucky am I to hurt this bad,” she reflects, “because I loved so deeply.”

It’s a perspective many caregivers need but rarely hear. Grieving isn’t a sign that you’re weak or failing, it’s a signal that something sacred is changing. And in dementia care, those changes happen constantly. There’s grief in the big milestones, but also in the slow dissolving of routines, humor, and roles.

The Fears: When the Future Feels Heavy and Unknowable

For many caregivers, fear takes the shape of constant planning. “What if they forget who I am?” “When will I know it’s time to take away the car keys?” “What happens if I miss something important?” It’s an endless loop of what-ifs, and while the instinct to prepare is natural, it can come at a cost.

Lori La Bey knows this firsthand. A self-described type-A planner, she once approached caregiving with detailed checklists and backup plans for every scenario. But over time, she realized something: her focus on controlling the future was pulling her out of the present. “I was missing the moments right in front of me,” she says. And those were the moments that mattered most.

That doesn’t mean families should abandon planning altogether. The goal is to stay steady without slipping into panic – to make room for both structure and spontaneity. Because when you’re no longer bracing for what might go wrong, you start to notice everything that’s still going right.

The Joy: Why the Smallest Moments Matter Most

Joy doesn’t disappear in dementia care, but it does require looking for it in new places.

Lori La Bey speaks often about the beauty that remains, even as abilities shift and roles change. “There are beautiful memories and life lessons that you will take with you that are just undeniable.”

It’s a matter of being open to a redefined joy. “If you want joy in your life,” Lori says, “You have to pay attention to what is happening right now because those moments of joy have never left you. They’ve just changed. They might be a lot more simple.”

For caregivers who are deep in the day-to-day, recognizing these moments can take practice. It helps to slow down. To stop measuring success by productivity. And to start tuning in with your senses: What do you see that lights them up? What song makes their shoulders drop? What smells bring back a spark of familiarity?

Simple tools can support this kind of connection. A favorite playlist. A family photo book. A comforting routine-like folding laundry together or prepping a favorite snack. Sensory cues such as touch, scent, and music often reach places that words can’t.

Shifting Out of Survival Mode

Ask any family caregiver how they’re doing, and you’ll often hear the same reply: “We’re just surviving, day to day.”

It’s honest, and it’s understandable. But Lori La Bey invites us to go deeper, to ask whether that constant state of crisis is the only way forward. In her view, survival mode is a signal that something’s missing: connection, support, permission to slow down.

What would it look like to breathe, to notice, to be with your loved one, rather than constantly managing their care?

Lori reminds caregivers that this journey isn’t meant to be walked alone. “You need a tribe,” she says, “and the person with dementia needs those other people in their life too.” One-on-one care may feel like a badge of strength, but it often leads to exhaustion and isolation. Instead, Lori encourages families to build a wider circle of support-friends, neighbors, professionals, even other caregivers who “get it.”

There is life beyond just getting through the day. It starts with accepting help, and knowing that doing so is an act of love, not failure.

Lori La Bey’s Tears, Fears, and Joy framework is just one piece of a deeply moving conversation about what it means to care for someone with dementia with compassion, presence, and purpose.

Listen to the full episode now